There’s more than one way of skinning a cat by Bob Baynes

He thought he’d planned for every eventuality.  He’d spent the last six months burglar proofing his house, but despite keeping busy, Julian had been turning into a grumpy old man. Retirement from a career that he considered important and where he felt influential did not help one bit. 

Then it happened.  He had taken Elisabeth away to a ridiculously expensive Spa for her birthday, and when they got home, he shut the front door, but for some reason he could feel a cold draft blowing along the hall.  His computer, all their ornaments and everything of any value had disappeared and to top it all the glass in their patio door was smashed, hence the draft. 

Julian ascertained subsequently that the police hadn’t bothered to respond to the alarm, despite neighbours reinforcing it with phone calls and descriptions of the villains, vehicles etc.  After trying to get some senior response from the police, fobbed off at all attempts by underlings, all he got was a useless sanctimonious letter of ‘understanding’, someone available to counsel him if need be, a crime number for his insurance company and a statement that they will not investigate the crime.  And to rub it in, his Council Tax bill arrived, up 4%, the section on the police waxing eloquent about diversity, equality, health and safety, and targets – everything imaginable – except catching criminals.

A letter to the Chief Constable, short and to the point was called for.

Dear Sir,

I am retired, 73 years of age with an artificial hip and several other disabilities.  I have completed a risk assessment regarding the security of my property.  Despite keeping myself fit, I have concluded that I would have little or no chance of physically stopping two or more young and determined thieves should they attempt to burglarise me or neighbouring properties again. 

Crime Number DL24173 unequivocally demonstrates that your department will neither try to stop, pursue or arrest burglars.  Therefore I am faced with either watching my property being taken or doing something myself. 

Successful minimum force indicates that I require some means beyond my own deteriorating physical capabilities. You will see from my Service record (summary attached) that I was a sniper in the Royal Marines, and decorated by Her Majesty.  For controlling vermin, I own a .22 gas powered air rifle with a magazine holding 10 pellets; I have 5 such magazines. 

I will not kill any intruders on my property: that would be illegal.  Of course I will warn any offenders before taking action and if they leave empty handed they will come to no harm.  If they don’t, I will shoot them, from a safe distance, in the testicles, hands, and limbs if that is the only course of action left open to me. After all, they are vermin.

Two days later he had an invitation to go and see the Chief Constable, which was what he had hoped would happen in the first place.’