Peter Fuller: A Very Slow Day at the BBC

A VERY SLOW NEWS DAY AT THE BBC

Good evening. I’m Jonathan Stutterer and this is the nine o’clock news.  These are the headlines:

The French President, Emmanuel Macron, has cancelled his state visit to the UK, which was due to begin on Tuesday of next week.  At a time when the Brexit trade talks have reached a critical point, we shall over-describe President Macron’s cancellation as a     direct snub to the Queen and a damning verdict on the British Government’s and the Prime Minister’s Brexit strategy.

In other news:  The Chief Medical Officer has announced that, as a nation, we are all   living longer, happier and healthier lives.  We shall report on this later in the bulletin as a “Post-Brexit Pension Timebomb Crisis”.

Also in the news, a couple from Briton who are quarantined in a luxury five-star hotel  following the outbreak of the Coronavirus, and who have been living on nothing but   caviar and Chateau de Rothschild Pap 1956, will be, in their recorded interview,             incandescent with rage because the have not been given sufficient information.

Finally, a man from Sheffield has taught his dogs to bark “God Save the Queen”.  Such provocation will clearly only help to heighten tensions between the EU and UK Brexit   negotiators.  Particularly since one dog is a French Poodle and the other a German Wolfhound.

But back to our main story, the French President’s decision to cancel his state visit to     Britain next week.  I can hand you straight over to our special France correspondent, Charles Twitteron, who is currently outside the Elysee Palace.

Yes, that’s right Jonathan.  Although Emmanuel Macron’s decision to cancel the state visit   is a blow to UK diplomacy, insiders at the palace behind me are insisting that the      President has made this decision purely on medical grounds.  They have confirmed to me that the President underwent a small surgical procedure today and that he has been told to rest for at least the next couple of days.

With the latest update on his condition, I’m handing you over to our special Emmanuel Macron correspondent, Hugh Prattle, who is standing outside Clinique Mal Nez, where the operation was performed.

Yes, thank you Charles.  Whilst most people have the question of Brexit on their lips, it has been reported that Emmanuel Macron has a boil on the end of his nose. 

It has been an open secret for some time that the French President is particularly vain about his youthful looks, if not his boyish height, and his decision to cancel the state    visit, which I can reveal exclusively this evening, rests solely on his desire not to be     photographed on the international stage with a swollen nose and with the possibly of  an unsightly dressing over it.

For an update on the President’s condition, I am handing you over to our special           Emmanuel Macron’s Nose correspondent, Clifford Ranter, who is outside Macron’s Brittany home where the nose is currently recuperating.

That’s right Hugh, the President’s pustulous nose has not been seen by reporters today, but we are assured that it is resting in the house behind me surrounded by the President and his family.  A few minutes ago the President’s medical team made a statement     giving details of the infection.  This confirms that the nodule is on the left side of the nose approximately 9 mm above the nostril.

Following lengthy discussions, doctors decided to lance the boil by using a well-tested procedure and I can state categorically that the President’s nose is not considered to be in any danger.  I shall keep you updated as and when I hear further, but for now I’ll hand you back to Jonathan in the studio.

Thank you Clifford.  I’m joined here in the studio by our special Medical correspondent, Preston Chatter.  Preston, I assume that you are not overly concerned about the         President’s condition?

No, Jonathan, I am not.  I want to stress to the general public that they should not be worried about the Presidents current disability.  What he is suffering from is very     common and easily treatable.

Of course, post-Brexit, some surgeries and hospitals may be experiencing shortages of medicines and equipment, as I have repeatedly warned on this programme, but the populous should be aware that the President’s situation does not require panic buying and the hoarding of household items.

Thank you Preston for your wise and reassuring words.  If you have been affected by any of the comments in this item, a ’Help Line’ telephone number will be shown at the end of this bulletin.

Now, on to other news …………