An awkward letter by Peter Fuller
AWKWARD LETTER
Dear Joe,
I fully understand and appreciate the anger you felt when I told you that I am pregnant. It doesn’t take an Aristarchus of Samos to see the discrepancy between you leaving here immediately after our betrothal to work in Tyre and Gaza for six months and me announcing on your return that I am three months gone!
But did you really have to behave like a schmuck and slam the front door so hard that it fell off its hinges, which consequently brought down a shelf that smashed our only cooking pot. And did you really have to go back to your M-O-T-H-E-R, who hates me and makes the worst chicken soup in the World!
I know that you are a kind and caring man and that my news must have hit you extremely hard. But I am certain that after I have explained everything you will see that my pregnancy as purely a glitch in our future life together. So, I’ll begin, and please Joe, keep an open mind and read to the very end of this tablet.
Well, here goes. One evening three months ago there was a knock on the door and when I opened it there stood a strange-looking man. He was over four cubits high and had striking yellow hair. He told me that I was soon to be visit by the God of Man. I said, “Which God is that then?” to which he replied indignantly, “The one-and-only God”.
Well, almost immediately a different rather ordinary-looking man appeared out of nowhere who said glibly that he was the creator of all mankind and that he had chosen me to carry his child, who will be the Son of God. I was sceptical I can tell you, but I didn’t have time to laugh, cry, or kick them out, because almost immediately I blacked out.
I may have been overwhelmed by being in the presence of the Almighty, or perhaps he gave me a date-rape drug, all I know is when I woke up he told me that the job was done.
He said that the baby was a boy who was to be named Jesus and you and I had to ensure that he is born in Bethlehem, when the event will witness the great conjunction of the Earth, Jupiter, and Saturn. I told him that was all very well planetary wise, but what will my Joseph think when finds out about my condition.
This seemed to take him aback and I wondered if he had really thought the whole thing through? Anyway, he promised to speak with you personally to smooth everything out between us. So, you can expect to see him this afternoon at four o’clock. He will reveal himself to you beside your mother’s well, but not in the house. I advised him that the last person he would want to meet on his visits to Earth is your mother.
I am confident that when you have spoken with him you will understand everything and will want to come back here straight away. He is very convincing.
The only thing I would ask you to do is to pop into the market on your way home and pick up some hinges and screws. And also would you buy a new cooking pot, for this evening I intend to show you just what real chicken soup tastes like.
Your ever loving,
Mary
This is good, comedic story led writing which follows from a great idea, and the tone is perfect throughout.
From Simon: This is a highly original approach to the challenge of the brief. I like the way the set-up is gradually revealed – calling the letter’s addressee ‘Joe’ is a skilful way of allaying the reader’s suspicions. And the time in which it is written is quickly established by a few place names. The introduction into a well-known story of the writer’s difficult mother-in-law is another clever way of wrong-footing the reader, stopping them from twigging too quickly what’s going on. And of course, the difficult mother-in-law is a well-known trope in Jewish culture – as is chicken soup. Theologians and the clergy might argue for some time – religious wars have been started by less – about putting the conception of Jesus in the category of an ‘affair’, as specified in the brief. But that doesn’t worry me. Never let the demands of the brief get in the way of a good story. In this one, I enjoyed Mary’s matter-of-factness, her questioning of God’s competence as a planner and, particularly, the shopping list she gives to Joseph. The reference back to chicken soup is a neat final attack on the mother-in-law. A subtly ingenious piece of writing.