A Happy Marriage by Simon Brett

HUSBAND AND WIFE SITIING IN ARMCHAIRS, READING BOOKS. THERE IS A LONG SILENCE.

HUSBAND:   Have you… er…?

WIFE:             I thought you said you were…

HUSBAND:   Oh yes. Right. I’ll do it…er…

THEY CONTINUE READING. THERE IS A LONG SILENCE.

HUSBAND:   Did you hear from… er…?

WIFE:             Well, she rang. But, as usual…

HUSBAND:   No change?

WIFE:             No.

THEY CONTINUE READING. THERE IS A LONG SILENCE.

HUSBAND:   Oh, incidentally, you know I said I’d chase up the… er?

WIFE:             Yes?

HUSBAND:   Well, I sent a text. And I had one back. He said he’d definitely get round to it. In the near…

WIFE:             Hm.

HUSBAND:   Which, of course, means…

WIFE:             We know what it means.

HUSBAND:   Yes.

WIFE [AFTER A SILENCE]: Do you think we ought to…?

HUSBAND:   No. Give him another week.

WIFE:             All right. [AFTER A SILENCE] But we do want to get it done.

HUSBAND:   We’ll get it done.

WIFE:             Well, I hope so.

THEY CONTINUE READING. THERE IS A LONG SILENCE.

HUSBAND:   Oh, incidentally, did you feed… er…?

WIFE:             Put out some food for her. Whingeing away at me, she was. And when I’d put the sachet in the bowl, she just turned up her nose at it. Hoity-toity or what?

HUSBAND:   Typical. [AFTER A SILENCE] Maybe we should go back to trying the…?

WIFE:             I’ll get some when I next go to the…

HUSBAND:   Right.

THEY CONTINUE READING. THERE IS A LONG SILENCE.

HUSBAND [SUDDENLY ANIMATED]: Oh, there was something very funny in the paper this morning about the…?

WIFE:             With the combine harvester…?

HUSBAND:   Yes.

WIFE:             You read it to me at breakfast.

HUSBAND:   Oh yes.

THEY CONTINUE READING. THERE IS A LONG SILENCE.

HUSBAND:   Have you heard from any of the…?

WIFE:             Number Two got me on the mobile when I was in the Cooked Meats aisle at Sainsbury’s.

HUSBAND:   And he was…?

WIFE:             As ever.

HUSBAND:   Right.

THEY CONTINUE READING. THERE IS A LONG SILENCE.

WIFE:             You haven’t forgotten…?

HUSBAND:   No, no. I’ve said I’ll it and I’ll do it.

WIFE [AFTER A SILENCE]: Easier before it gets dark, wouldn’t it be…?

HUSBAND:   Well… Matter of opinion.

WIFE [AFTER A SILENCE]: It’s simply, if we do forget…

HUSBAND:   I won’t forget.

WIFE [AFTER A SILENCE]: It’s just… you say that… and…

HUSBAND [SLAMMING HIS BOOK SHUT]: All right. If you’re going to keep on nagging me… THE HUSBAND LEAVES THE ROOM TO GO AND PUT THE BINS OUT. THE WIFE CONTINUES READING.