The Bargain by Jackie Penticost
Gerald lumbers into the pub garden, panting and out of breath. He’s in his late fifties, balding and portly, and wears a Hawaiian shirt and Bermuda shorts.
‘Sorry I’m late, lads, but the missus insisted on coming’
From behind Gerald, a red-haired vision appears like a sunrise. The henna competes with the black brows, and her face has a suspicion of potato about it. The missus flashes a smile enriched with a gold molar. She waves to the lads, who have been turned to stone.
‘This is Xenia, we’ve been married a week. She’s from Russia’
One of the lads, Malcom, recovers enough to raise a quizzical eyebrow.
‘Never knew you were courting, Gerald. Bit of a surprise, what?’
‘We’ve been romancing on the internet for a couple of months now, and I flew to Volgograd last month to meet her. We knew we were soulmates right away and married on an emergency license. I had to pay a fair bit to the agency to get it all done, but I’ve got the certificate in Russian-like, and here she is!
Xenia holds out a beefy hand to each of the lads in turn, and grins winningly.
‘Gerald, he is true gentleman, and he will make good and loving husband for me, I think’ She puts a muscular arm around Gerald’s shoulders, and squeezes affectionately. ‘Please to buy vodka martini, double’
Malcolm leans on the bar beside Gerald.
‘You’ve been on your own, mate, since your Mum died. This is all a bit sudden, isn’t it?. ‘Do you know what you are doing? How much have you paid her so far? Have you actually consummated this so-called marriage?
Gerald looks at Malcolm keenly ‘You think this is some sort of set-up, don’t you? Well, I may be fat and lonely, but I wasn’t born yesterday.
‘I know darn well that Xenia wants my citizenship rather than my body. I’ll treat her well, and she’ll behave like a traditional housewife, rather than the lazy entitled women I meet on the dating sites. We haven’t actually slept together yet, we’re putting romance into our lives, and traditional Russians like to take it slowly’
‘So here’s the bargain that I’ve made. Xenia will give me companionship and yes, sex when she is ready. I’ve taken out a life insurance policy that will provide well for her when I’m gone, and, to be honest, I’m hoping that our love life will finish me off. Or I might lose a few pounds and last for ever!’
‘Are you sure you won’t get an umbrella full of nerve agent when you least expect it?’
They wander back out into the sunlit garden, and Gerald hands Xenia her vodka martini. Xenia is taller than Gerald by a few inches, and she smiles at Malcolm as if she has just won gold in the Olympic shot-put. Malcolm wonders about hormones.
‘Is good partnership, No? I am taking care of Gerald’
Xenia laughs heartily, and Gerald looks sheepishly at Malcolm. A short life but a happy one, is the unspoken thought of all of them.
Interesting take on the theme.
Wonderful description of Xenia. “ She’s from Russia “.
Motivations for marriage are so interesting.
I like the part Malcolm plays.
From Simon: This is a nicely cynical little story. I like the economy of the first paragraph, which takes us straight into the action and tells us all we need to know about Gerald. The description of Xenia is also neat. We’ve all seen women whose faces have ‘a suspicion of potato’ about them. And smiles ‘enriched with a gold molar’. I also like the simplicity of the bargain which gives the piece its title. Gerald’s friends assume he’s been cheated, falling for an online scam and ending up with an exploitative ‘mail order bride’. But Gerald is cannier than that. He knows ‘darned well that Xenia wants my citizenship rather than my body’, but on that basis he is prepared to give the marriage a go. He’s been alone since his mother died and hopes he’s now getting ‘a traditional housewife’ rather than ‘the lazy entitled women I meet on the dating sites.’ He’s prepared to give the relationship a go. It might work. It might even become a happy marriage. And then there’s the saddest line in the piece: ‘I’m hoping that our love life will finish me off.’ Which is entirely appropriate in a piece about pragmatic compromise. My only criticism would be that the suggestion that Xenia might be transgender was a bit of a blind alley.