I’m not always like this by Helen Carr
Oh, here you are…I’ve been waiting for you in the studio, it’s freezing…
Sorry can’t paint today, I’m just…
What’s wrong with your eye…?
Nothing really…
…let me see…
No there’s…
OH MY GOD!!! What happened…it’s all red, completely…
I know, I’m just watching…
How can you watch anything with an eye like…what happened?
I got some bergamot oil in it…
BERGAMOT! … in your eye!
Yes so I thought I’d relax, watch this film…
Ah, Thomas Hardy…
Jane Austen actually…
Oh good, I’ll join you…
…you know, those essential oils are very strong..,
I’m a herbalist, I do know…
Yes, that’s one of the things that attracted me to the community, you being a…don’t you think you should see a doc…
No, I don’t, we’re missing the……
oh sorry…isn’t that what’s her name, oh, what is her name, for heaven’s …Emma Thompson, now be quiet or we’ll miss the…
Watching TV in the day time makes me feel guilty, everyone else work…
Shhh
Sorry…can you see alright?
Yes
That’s good. Can I get anything for you…..a nice drink…
Chamomile. I suggest you have one too…
Oh LOOK, Alan Rickman, isn’t he just…
Shh
Sorry…I’ll get the drinks…
Here we go, chamomile for you, coffee for me…
Hmm
AND chocolate biscuits, a treat for you and your poor…
Be quiet, this is important…
Sorry…biscuit…?
No, don’t eat sugar…
Oh
If you had the chance to have sex with Alan Rickman, would you do it, spontaneously…?
No. I’m married…
…yes, but if you weren’t…
No
I would…even if I was married…
Hmm
How long do you think it takes them to learn those dances…very complic…
Shh
She’s lovely, isn’t she…or was…. this film is ancient…
So am I, and I’m trying to enjoy …
…what beautiful china…who’s cooking tonight…?
Me, but my eye, don’t wor…
I could do it, my first communal meal…
I’m vegan…
Oh, are you ALL vegan…?
Shhh
I suppose I could do some lentils…
Mmmm
Why is he ignoring her…I thought…
He has to marry for money…
Oh no…I’m hopeless at following plots…
You surprise me…
Oh yes, I can watch a whole Miss Marple and still not…
Quiet
Sorry
What do women see in Hugh Grant, do you thi….
Shush
…he seems insipid to me…Oh, sorry…
OH, LISTEN to that voice…
Whose…?
Alan Rickman’s of course….never mind Shakespeare’s sonnets, he could read me a recipe for mince pies and I’d fall into bed with him…I wonder what makes a voice se…
Shhh
Now I feel awful…
Mmm
You must think I’m some kind of immoral person, moving into your community…liable to cause disruption…
Shhh
It’s the film…I should have gone and helped in the garden…
Sorry…I’m not always like this.
A very realistic way of representing actual language, where folk finish each others’ sentences and sentences are fragmented. People talk over each other as well. Of course, short dialogue and longer ‘plain English’ sentences are a trade off in realism versus meaning. And I wish someone had invented a way of conveying the emotions in the sentences. I guess that is up to actors. I tried to read it in my head to get the emotion in those short fragments of sentences, and I don’t know if I managed it.
From Simon: This is lovely, relaxed dialogue, illuminating the characters, which is exactly what the exercise was meant to prompt. And the way the dialogue is broken up is an important part of the narrative. The line-breaks indicate the passage of time, so we know that the conversation continues intermittently. We also recognise that, while some people go very reticent when they meet someone new, others, as in this instance, talk far too much. I also liked the way the background to the piece was sketched in. References to ‘essential oils’, ‘herbalist’, ‘community’, ‘chamomile’, ‘vegan’, ‘lentils’ all suggest some kind of New Age retreat, but the information is not forced on the reader. He or she has to extrapolate it from the context. And we can all identify with the annoyance felt by someone trying to watch the television while another person keeps chattering. And this particular chatterer keeps going off on such varied tangents… sex with Alan Rickman, Miss Marple, a recipe for mince pies – delightful stuff. My only tiny criticism would be that the last line is so good, it’s a pity it’s given away in the title.