I have never been to Rhyl by Jackie Penticost

“You take the sofa bed at that end, and we’ll take the fold down double here behind the toilet”

“Thank you dear, is the mattress hard enough for my bad back?  You know how I suffer”

“I imagine they’re both the same, but why don’t you have a feel and report back?  We can do a swap now, but I don’t want to change halfway through the night”

“Oh don’t worry, I’m a martyr to my joints, I’ll just rub on the Voltarol and try not to moan”

“Well it hasn’t stopped you in the last sixty years, has it?   Take whichever bed you like, but just don’t complain afterwards. Roger and I can squish up”

“Don’t be like that, Eunice.  Do you have any bin liners, I’m going to wrap this mattress up to prevent germs”

“Oh for God’s sake, who do you think has slept on it?  Oooo, it’s bound to be someone like a coal miner or a sewage maintenance man.   Or maybe someone who reads the Guardian.  Or, I know…Jeremy Corbyn”

“You’ll rue the day when we all pick up some awful food poisoning and spend the night fighting over the chemical toilet, I can tell you”

“Look, Daphne, I know your holiday was cancelled and Eurostar won’t give you the money back.  But this was our caravan break, and we’re doing you a kindness by letting you come at all.  So we get first dibs on the ChemiSan”

“All right. I am grateful, but…Rhyl..really?”

“We booked at the last minute.  It has a beach and a miniature railway, and the caravan park cabaret has an Elvis impersonator, so plenty for you to scoff at”

“Oh, I might just sit here with a glass of decent Chenin Blanc while you and Roger do karaoke and he wins the ‘put the botty on the potty’ competition. Don’t pull a face, he has the certificate on your fridge door”

“Yes, an eight year old nearly ended up in hospital last year, I can tell you.  Rhyl isn’t the Riviera, but it doesn’t have any French in it either.  So buck up and make the most of it.  And hand over the Chenin Blanc, its communal”

“Perhaps I could borrow the car and visit something cultural?”

“There’s no way you are driving our car.  You have the attention span of a fruit-fly and steer randomly towards things of interest.  I have never forgotten that nun’s face.   And this is Rhyl. Its most famous people are Ruth Ellis and Carol Vorderman, and neither has a museum.”

“Well if the weather holds up we can all go for some decent walks. If I look out to sea I can pretend I’m somewhere nice.  With a sister who actually wants me”

“Pretend away, I’m impervious. You’re here because you asked and did the self-pity thing, and Roger hates me now.   So let’s have a revenge Christmas at yours”

“A little harsh, Eunice.  Christmas is reserved for all my actual friends, not relatives.  I always have to pack away the Wade Whimsies when Roger comes , he arranges them in obscene positions”

“Ah Christmas, a time for forgiving. Fat chance. Let’s just try and get through the next week on of Chenin Blanc and burgers without killing each other.  Rhyl and all its charms awaits!”