Comfort Telly by Jackie Penticost
‘Protactinium!’
‘Yes, Always a zero point answer, like Timor l’Este and Burkina Faso’
‘Oh God, she can’t name an element without an ‘e’ in it! Look at the face of her Dad! What do they teach them in school these days..’
‘To be fair, you’re OK on science and anything before 1970. But you couldn’t pick out Taylor Swift in a line-up, could you? ‘
‘Who’s that then?’
‘Footballer. But let’s face it, we like this programme because we can answer at least half the questions. You get to scoff at all the youngsters who don’t know who Rick Wakeman and EM Forster are.’
‘Yes, but then I’m happy as a clam if I get even one right on University Challenge. Now those nerdy twenty year olds really know their stuff, but I bet they haven’t got girlfriends’
‘Don’t be sexist. I bet the nerdy girls are just as deprived’
‘Oh and what about Only Connect? I just don’t follow how these people even think. You get a few in the missing vowels round but I’m clueless’
‘Yes, you make your eyes go blurry and the words appear. But then I can’t do cryptic crosswords, just not hard wired for it’
‘It all went to pot when Deal or No Deal came along. Nothing but greed and optimism. Watching people fail, that’s the big draw on that one’
‘Ooo Yes, but you do have to put up with the funeral insurance with Michael Parkinson and their bloody free pens, and the cheap loans at 1400% APR’. Telly for the unemployed and unwashed’.
‘Speak for yourself! I still have standards. I shave at least once a week, and I’ve learned to do my hair with the dog clippers. Nothing wrong with that. Now what’s that picture of a large monument? ‘A’ I haven’t got my glasses on’
‘The CN Tower in Ontario. And ‘D’ is the Space Needle in Seattle, B is the Burj Khalifa. I think that couple are in trouble’
‘See, 100 points! He’s going home’
‘Repair Shop is on next, now there’s comfort telly‘
‘Time to put the kettle on, dear.’
‘One day you might do it then’.
‘I would but my joints are creaking’
‘I wonder if the Repair Shop would do a pensioner? I’d take you in and there’d be a dentist, someone to do flu jabs, and someone to feel your prostate.’
‘Hur, and maybe a basket of Viagra on your way out!’
‘In your dreams. No, those nice ladies who repair bears would knit you a new scarf, they’d replace your joints, and give you a polish and a touch up’
‘Now there’s a service I’d pay for…’
‘I was being nice and you’re just filthy’
‘Oh well, I’ll put the kettle on just for you, so you can see I’m good for something. Digestives or Tunnocks?’
‘Tunnocks, it’s Thursday. Oh No! The coronavirus update has replaced Repair shop’
‘Flippin’ Ada. Well I know which one of those has competent people giving comfort and support to others, and it isn’t Boris’
No, we can survive without loo rolls, but if the Tunnocks run out then it’s all over. Turn over to Naked Attraction, dear’
I like the Repair Shop and pensioners idea, and I hate quizzes!
from Simon: This has a nice domestic feel to it, a conversation between two people who know each other very well. And the way many of us watch quiz programmes is well captured – letting most of the questions pass by without comment and getting overexcited when we actually know an answer. This couple seem to know a lot about daytime telly, but it’s only gradually we discover why they’ve been watching more of it than they might normally. The first clue comes when the man says he shaves once a week and has ‘learned to do my hair with the dog clippers’. But it’s only when we get the reference to the ‘coronavirus update’ that we know for certain why they’ve been doing so much viewing. The regular routine of putting the kettle on and choosing between digestives and Tunnocks also reflects the limitations placed on their lives. On the way, there are some nice snide comments about various television programmes. I like the couple’s views of Only Connect. And I enjoyed the fantasy riff of getting a pensioner refurbished by the Repair Shop team. It’s a piece which fulfills the brief very well.